Your Do-Gooder Ex Is Coming Back From India
You: Oh, I didn't think you'd answer. I thought you'd still be on the plane.
Her: We had a layover. I'm at Dulles International right now.
You: Oh, well, um...
Her: What's up?
You: I was just wondering if you were coming through town on your way home, I still have some stuff of yours.
Her: Like what?
You: Some books and some jewelry.
Her: It's been a year. Do you think I care about that stuff?
You: Oh, I just thought they might be sentimental or expensive or something. I don't know.
Her: You and your possessions.
Her: Free yourself.
You: Um, again, what?
Her: I've changed.
Her: You wouldn't understand.
You: People are always saying that.
You: So, how was Bombay?
You: Come again?
Her: They don't call it Bombay anymore. I mean, you can, if you like stripping the Indian people of their independence and returning to the imperial rule of Britain.
You: I'm sorry, I didn't-
Her: It hasn't been 'Bombay' for nearly 17 years. I suggest you read a book.
You: Um, so, you don't want your stuff back?
Her: Free yourself.
You: Stop saying that.
Her: I built a school.
Her: What have you been up to since I left? Did you build any schools?
You: I um...well..
Her: Speak up. Make your words count.
You: I filed for unemployment. Is that what you wanted to hear?
Her: You know some people aren't lucky enough to have a government that supports them with welfare.
Her: But I guess it's pretty hard for you. You need that unemployment check to buy whiskey and Cheez-Its.
You: I've been writing a lot.
Her: And not building any schools.
You: OK. Well look, if you come through, Karen is having a going away party for Chris Keller and I thought you might want-
Her: To go to a party?
Her: And drink like totally fun mass-produced spirits? Wanna pick up some Smirnoff Ice for me? Want me to drink Smirnoff Ice for you? Just like the old times?
You: You drank Smirnoff Ice?
Her: I'm making a point.
You: I don't get it.
Her: Yeah. You don't. You never 'got' it. I can't talk to you. I have to boil drinking water before my next flight.
You: You're in an airport. Can't you just, like, find a water fountain?
Her: Just because the convenience exists does not mean you should take advantage of it.
You: Take advantage? Of...a water fountain?
Her: Don't call me again.